The next book we’ve chosen to read is Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab.
We’re excited to read this book with you as we learn what it means to set boundaries and reclaim ourselves in the process. What are boundaries? What do they look like? How can we set boundaries with people in our lives? Why is it necessary to set boundaries to find peace in our lives?
Set Boundaries, Find Peace is a guidebook that offers scripts for navigating how we set boundaries and how we might respond to the ways others might react. It is also helpful in offering examples of how we might be making our lives harder in the long run by not setting healthy boundaries. Tawwab separates different types of boundaries into different topics pertaining to family, relationships, time and work, making it easily digestible and applicable.
We can't wait to dive in and explore these topics with you! You can sign up for further updates including reflections, prompts, ways to participate and future meeting times by signing up for our HF Book Club Newsletter at the link below. By signing up you’ll get a discount of 20% off your copy!
All the best and we hope you enjoy it!
Taima
“Healthy boundaries. We all know we should have them - in order to achieve work/life balance, cope with toxic people, and enjoy rewarding relationships with partners, friends and family. But what do “healthy boundaries” really mean - and how can we successfully express our needs, say no, and be assertive without offending others?
A licensed counselor, sought-after relationship expert, and one of the most influential therapists on Instagram, Nedra Glover Tawwab demystifies this complex topic for today’s world. In a relatable and inclusive tone, Set Boundaries, Find Peace presents simple yet powerful ways to establish healthy boundaries in all aspects of life. Rooted in the latest research and best practices used in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), these techniques help us identify and express our needs clearly and without apology - and unravel a root problem behind codependency, power struggles, anxiety, depression, burnout, and more.” - Random House, Publisher
First off, I like that this book takes the form of a guide. It lays everything out step by step making it much more easily digestible. Starting with why we might want to set boundaries, what happens when we don’t have healthy boundaries, and how to implement boundaries in all areas of our life. I also really like the dictionary format of the book, it helps put words to feelings and allows us to explore and understand them better. Particularly on page 44-45 when she clearly explains what things like complaining, avoidance and cutoff, etc., are as things we might do when we’re avoiding the need to set boundaries. We might not realize right away that the reason why, for example, we’re complaining about something in particular is because we actually need to set a boundary there. It makes it easier to look at all of these terms objectively and ask ourselves if any of these resonate. If they do it could be an indicator that we need to set a boundary.
On page 82 Tawwab talks about setting boundaries around microaggressions. I didn’t realize that we can set boundaries around these as well because I thought boundaries were reserved for more obvious things like asking your partner to share household responsibilities or saying no to going out when you don’t feel like it. But boundaries around microaggressions are just as important. It's not always easy to pinpoint microaggressions, though, they’re called microaggressions for a reason, they’re subtle. So I think it can be especially difficult to set boundaries when people make subtle comments about your appearance or performance or lifestyle, etc. because it's hard to tell what the intent is behind the comment and whether it's something that requires addressing or not. Often the microaggression won’t even be considered harmful to the deliverer making it harder to address with them because it can easily be brushed off or excused.
Nedra offers great ways to handle these by being assertive and/or asking for clarity around comments, or reframing the comment in a way that feels more aligned with how you feel. Asking for clarity around someone's comment is a simple and harmless response to what someone meant by their comment and forces them to address it. Hopefully this clarifies that it either wasn’t intended as a microaggression or if it was, provides clarity to the deliverer as to why it was harmful. From here you can offer more appropriate behavior or language, like instead of being called bossy you can say you’re simply assertive and willing to lead.
Chapter 6 is titled “Identify and communicate your boundaries” underneath that it says “You don’t have to be boundaryless to be loved” and that really resonates because often, I think a lot of us feel like we have to earn love and boundaries can feel like inhibitors to earning love. If we go the extra mile, if we work a little harder, if we make sure to always be available to those around us, maybe they’ll love us more. But one big “ah ha!” moment I had was that boundaries don’t inhibit love, they facilitate deeper love. They show others how to love us better and be there for us in the ways that we need.
We’re so focused on how to get other people to like us that we forget to ask ourselves if we even like them. Are we going out of our way for this person because it would genuinely make us happy or is it because we want them to like us more and we want to seem like a good person? Because if they truly do care about you, they won’t want to cause harm, they won’t want to make you go out of your way if it's difficult for you. You have inherent worth, and you are inherently worthy of love, kindness, and respect. And if they care about you, they won’t have any requirements that you need to live up to in order for them to recognize your inherent worth. Of course they might have their own set of boundaries as well and requiring particular things from you to co-create a healthy relationship is something you’ll both have to discuss together. But not being able to show up for someone in a particular way is not a reflection of you or your worth.
Boundaries don’t inhibit love, they allow for deeper love because they show others how to more effectively love you. How can we expect people to adhere to our boundaries and show them how to effectively care for us if we don’t express our boundaries? Boundaries are a form of care. Telling your partner you appreciate it when they do that one particular thing like washing their dishes is how you invite them to love you more effectively.
On page 106 Tawwab addresses feelings of guilt and why we might experience guilt. I like how she explains that all of these emotions (guilt, sadness, fear) are part of the process and offers a couple ways of navigating them. However these emotions are very complex and feelings of guilt can be very overwhelming. I don’t love how she brings up the example of feeling excited and still being able to function despite feeling excited about something because excitement and guilt or sadness or fear are all very different emotions. Sure we might be able to move forward while experiencing these emotions but they can be very cumbersome, overwhelming and anxiety inducing which is not a pleasant experience. So navigating these emotions can require a lot more than a simple self-care practice.
On page 114 Tawwab talks about how you can’t apologize for your boundaries because if you want others to respect your boundaries you have to respect them yourself and apologizing for them only makes it seem like you feel bad about setting them and like you might think you’re being unfair which only gives others permission to also think you’re being unfair. So you have to be firm and unapologetic when setting boundaries. You’re not intentionally trying to hurt someone so why apologize? It's important that we respect our boundaries in order for other people to respect them as well. Because although I’d love it if everyone were respectful of everyone else, not everyone is. So it's up to us to show people how we’d like to be treated. And if people can’t treat us according to our boundaries, we have to be the ones to put our foot down and tell them "you can’t treat me like that.”
Nedra Glover Tawwab offers lots of reflection prompts throughout the book, some that really stood out to me that I found helpful to reflect on were:
- Create a list of boundaries you’d like to implement for yourself. Next to each one, identify one actionable step to help you uphold your boundary.
- What words can you use to reassure yourself that it's okay to implement the limits and expectations that you need in order to feel safe
- How do you think your life will be different once you’ve established healthy boundaries?
- How were boundaries taught in your family (and growing up)?
- What are behaviors you notice in yourself that might indicate you need healthier boundaries?
Join us virtually on Tuesday, February 21st at 6pm, and all future meetings, by signing up for our book club newsletter. We can't wait to see you there!